28.10.2025

Today I wish to talk about people who don't want to change their behavior, because it benefits them, even though their behavior hurts others.

Therapy is not something to be embarrassed about. Our society isn't built for humans; it's built for working drones. There is a lot of tragic stuff happening daily and we are not built to endure all of it - especially alone.

Please understand that your friends and family cannot and shouldn't bear all your trauma, even if they wish to.

I go to therapy regularly. I have recurring depression, anxiety, increased need for security and stability and deep self-esteem issues. Everything I told you was diagnosed by two specialists, who work together and I'm seeing regularly.

I try to function - that's what I call it, because it's definitely not living - as best as I can. Most of the time I work - the rest of the time I sleep.

If I have enough energy, I try to do something like this post or something else that makes me forget about my existence. Mostly that energy is used to keep up with my other duties like house work, grocery shopping or cleaning as I live alone.

I need routine, because I didn't have that in the past. It's part of my "stability needs".

You can probably imagine that someone like me keeps mostly to themselves as people like me don't have any energy to spare for others.

Today I heard: "I might be like a dictator, but I don't mind being like that, because it got me to the place I am at today!"

What this person meant was that being forceful, aggressive and emotionally abusive helped them reach the point they are at now. That they never would've reached that point, if they were like me.

This was said by a person that is dear to me, so it makes me especially frustrated, because I know the truth.

They got to the top by burdening me with everything and breaking me down to the person I am today. Not only me, but I was definitely their main victim.

By burdening me with their mental load and being physically and mentally abusive they were able to focus on their main goal and could reach that.

Every time they got frustrated, they had an outlet, which was me.

People don't like to hear it, but there is a way to proof if someone reached the top by themselves. They just have to answer following question: If you need something, will you ask for it?

If your answer is anything but "I never ask for help.", then no, you did not get to the top by yourself.

Asking for help is one of the hardest things for me. I learned that asking for help meant being treated like shit until I returned the favor. I learned it meant I had to bow down to my "savior" in any regard and basic respect wasn't enough anymore. I learned that I should be ashamed to even need help at all, so I should also feel like shit, when I ask for help.

This is obviously not healthy and I am working on this issue in my therapy sessions. But I haven't asked for help in years and everything I have now, everything I've accomplished has been done without anyone's help, because by that point I already stopped asking for it.

There was no one paying my bills, cleaning for me, preparing my food, buying my groceries, doing my laundry, taking care of calls, taking care of children/animals, keeping track of appointments, reminding me of tasks, protecting my physical or mental wellbeing or whatever else you can imagine. I couldn't even pay for assistance in any way, because I needed to build my entire life up from the ground and had absolutely nothing.

You might be able to understand that hearing someone talking about their "self-made life" can annoy me when I know the truth. Imagine now the person above, who burdened me particularly and is now acting as if they did it by themselves. It is very frustrating.

I would actually really like to just let this go. I don't want to invest any energy in being frustrated, because of a past I cannot change. The damage has already been done and I am working to fix it with my therapist.

The reason I can't is, because it never stopped.

That person still burdens me with things. I put up boundaries and some of them have been respected, but the most important once are still walked over because that person has mental issues themselves. They learned through the people around them - me included - that being an abusive person gets them what they want. Unfortunately going no contact is not an option here.

Even though I am a victim here, I do have empathy for their situation, because they are a victim in some kind of way as well. I let them do all that and that was bad. I understand that it takes time to unlearn bad behavioral patterns and I am willing to give them the time to do that. But in the end the only true victim here is me, because I am hurting while they are profiting of this.

The issue is that they don't see a problem in that. They think it's a beneficial trait, which it sadly really is.

Being the way they are does get them positive results. The physical abuse was illegal for sure, but the mental abuse? No one cares about that, because they point the finger at the victim for not leaving.

It might be minor things.

Imagine you are at work and your work colleague asks you to do something for them and you decline, because you already have too much to do.

Imagine them not leaving and saying that they had been burdened by too much and they really cannot finish it.

Would you help them?

Some people wouldn't have declined in the first place, because they are always trying to help. Those kind ones are the main victims in society.

Then there are some who would have accepted after they complained. Some out of empathy, some out of conflict issues. It doesn't really matter. Both have their own problems and can be made into secondary victims of such abusers.

There is only a fraction of people who - even after the work colleague complained - would say no. These can be put in two categories. People, who respect boundaries and can uphold boundaries without any/minimal issues and the person this entire post is about, who doesn't care about others at all.

In this case the main victims and the secondary victims are actually the ones being burdened by their work colleague.

If this repeated and the victims complained, a lot of people would say, it's their own fault, because they could have just said no. They didn't have to take on the work load.

That people don't want to work around people like me, who have problems putting up boundaries is one thing, but that kindness is being criticized....

Shouldn't that ring some alarm bells for society?

Why should the kind one have to be more coldhearted? Why isn't the forceful one being sanctioned for their actions? Is it because even regular people want to be able to use the kind one without feeling bad? Without ever questioning if they are asking for too much? They are placing the burden on the kind ones in society and don't wish to take any responsibility for their actions.

It seems minor, but my abuser is right. There are enough people who give them what they want just because they are being forceful, so why should they change?

They even get assistance by regular people who blame their victims for not saying no.

It makes my abusers life easier, so they have no reason to change.

If all people around them cared about how much they burdened others by their actions, then they would have a reason to stop. But they just don't care and so people like them are only rewarded for it.

Sure, maybe with time some people won't help them anymore, but by that point they would have reached the mountain top and could just pay someone to do it.

Then they can brag about how they reached the top by themselves.

sdenden, 23:46